Andrews Red Silver

ANDREW MARC RED RUFFLED CAPSLEEVE DRESS WITH SILVER DOTS SIZE 6
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Andrews Red Silver

My new poem please read and comment?

In the Phantoms night

From a life time of sleepy hollow,
coffined in the dungeon it lays
to hunt a night and sleep by days
sheltered at daylight in castle walls it stays.

The phantoms intension's infused,
blood likened for it's taste
mortals lie cold, stiff, defaced
to drink the bleeding its graced.

Offspring they flex and fly,
black bat winged creatures at night
a swarm of a million in flight
leather backs silvered by moonlight.

Blood thirsty bats dangle harum-scarum,
red evil eyes they peep
like a tree of black bark they sleep
in wait of a golden apple to reap.

Peasants divulge their cross's,
to revel with fisted hands
behind the village troops the priest he stands
in protection of threatened lands.

© Andrew Lockley 2008
STARS* are appreciated

if you liked it i have more www.poetrysamateur.wordpress.com
what's wrong with the spelling?

Much credit to you for choosing this difficult rhyme scheme. The challenge, of course, is not so much finding three rhymes, as making triplets not sound jingly. Yet, I think you perceive there is a sense of inevitability which this rhyme scheme can lend when it is successful. I tend to agree with you. I don't know if these ideas would be helpful, but a few suggestions:

-I would be over-scrupulous about regular metre.
-I would consider making the last line deliberately longer than the other three. 8/8/8/12 or 10/10/10/12 might be nice: probably the latter. To me the sound is aspiring to an effect like a simplified The Eve of St. Agnes.
-Some of the apostrophes are a little bit distracting, such as lines 6 and 17; I would consider taking these out. Others are more bearable, such as possibly line five: but in my opinion contractions lower your tone somewhat below where you would like this. This is an aesthetic decision you will have to make; I am describing how it appears to me as a reader.

I hope this is useful.